Spam

“I should just buy you a few cans so you have spares”, she said.

“Oh, no, no, no, don’t do that”, he said and then began laughing manically.

A nonplussed look forming on her face, she asked: “Why not?”

He continued laughing like a crazy person. After catching his breath, he explained that he had set up a subscribe and save on Amazon to bulk order spam every month.

And that was the end of their marriage.

Not really, but it was a close thing.

Ordering in bulk, his thoughts

If you’re going to buy one consumable, you ought to buy two so you have a spare. If you’re gonna buy two, you ought to buy about five so you have a spare for your spare and then some extra spares for your spares.

This works well for him because he isn’t big on variety. He just orders the same thing over and over. But there’s also a problem: he can never remember how much stuff he has left, so it seems like every time he goes to the store, he orders five more.

Amazon Subscribe and Save compounds this predilection of his. Not only does he order in bulk online to maximize savings but he still can’t remember how much he has and so never skips a delivery even when he already owns enough product to survive World War 3.

This isn’t really a problem for him. He likes being prepared. But for her…

Ordering in bulk, her thoughts

24 tubes of Arm & Hammer baking soda toothpaste isn’t being prepared. It’s pathological. Who needs that much toothpaste?

She finally convinced him to “pause” ordering toothpaste two years ago, and they still have 10 tubes. Yes, 14 tubes is impressive consumption in two years. The man uses too much toothpaste. She was willing to let that one go and fight the fights that need fighting.

She purged superfluous items by making thoughtful Christmas, birthday, and housewarming gifts for her friends and family. She organized the bathroom closet, as it had become the Amazon drop zone. A semblance of order had been achieved.

She hoped that now his stockpiles were visible and he wouldn’t buy more until stores ran low. Right? Wrong! Exploding head emoji.

So, they developed a routine. Each month he asked if they needed the following items: toothpaste, deodorant, Clorox wipes, Tide, red ant bait, 50-pack condoms, etc. She said, “No, we don’t need more Tide.”

Sometimes he skipped the order. Other times he got the gleam in his eye and said, “I think we’re running low.”

She’d concede, because at least the Tide was going under the house where she wouldn’t have to see it. When it came to items that wouldn’t fit into the closet, she held her ground. She did have to see those.

So, imagine her distress when she says there is a 2/$5 special on Spam at KTA, and he starts giggling maniacally. Where are they going to put 12 cans of Spam?

He ultimately won her over by telling her the subscribe and save SPAM was $2.54/can. That’s a good price. You can never have enough SPAM.

SPAM, in Hawaii

Local folks love Spam. When it is on sale at CVS, people buy it by the palette. It is a staple in sushi, musubi, and fried rice.

Ordering in bulk, in Hawaii

He received an Amazon message saying his order was damaged in transit to Alabama. Upon further review, it showed his SPAM was on its way from Kona to Hilo. At the time of publication, the SPAM has yet to arrive.

Edit to add: concerned that his spam wouldn’t arrive, he ordered more. Check back next week to see if they’re still married!